risky business

“There is no effort without error and shortcoming.”  – Theodore Roosevelt

I knew what I was doing when I named my blog “a mercurial muse.” My writing has always had bizarre timing and sporadic inspiration, but my absence hasn’t been for lack of things to say.  Instead, I have had an extreme lack of clarity and confidence.  When I don’t think that what I have to say is succinct or stunning, I wait for that particular thought to mature.  I wait until that thought grows fangs sharp enough to bite and leave a lasting mark.  Unfortunately, my thoughts stayed ambiguous for the most part.

This year, I experienced more gray area than ever before.  As I learned about myself and how I interact with the world, I struggled to see through-lines and felt utterly random.  Where were the patterns and routines that kept me sane? I had been breaking down the walls that kept me from growing, but those same walls had kept me safe.  Or so I thought.  Newly exposed, I found myself without the confidence to say what I wanted to say.  More times than I can count, I felt physical pain at my loss for a clear definition of what I was going through.

What I have discovered is this.  My words don’t always have to be carefully chosen.  I would agonize over whether or not to say what was on my mind for fear that I would not be heard anyway.  My truth is that regardless of whether or not I am well-received, I have to make myself top priority.  Right now, I need to practice saying what I feel because it is a muscle that I have not trained well.  Every thought won’t be beautifully laced together, and sometimes I’ll wish I hadn’t spoken at all.  But it’s worth the discomfort to know that I am embracing my authenticity with the hope that I will be feeling more like myself again soon.


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