“There is no effort without error and shortcoming.” – Theodore Roosevelt
I knew what I was doing when I named my blog “a mercurial muse.” My writing has always had bizarre timing and sporadic inspiration, but my absence hasn’t been for lack of things to say. Instead, I have had an extreme lack of clarity and confidence. When I don’t think that what I have to say is succinct or stunning, I wait for that particular thought to mature. I wait until that thought grows fangs sharp enough to bite and leave a lasting mark. Unfortunately, my thoughts stayed ambiguous for the most part.
This year, I experienced more gray area than ever before. As I learned about myself and how I interact with the world, I struggled to see through-lines and felt utterly random. Where were the patterns and routines that kept me sane? I had been breaking down the walls that kept me from growing, but those same walls had kept me safe. Or so I thought. Newly exposed, I found myself without the confidence to say what I wanted to say. More times than I can count, I felt physical pain at my loss for a clear definition of what I was going through.
What I have discovered is this. My words don’t always have to be carefully chosen. I would agonize over whether or not to say what was on my mind for fear that I would not be heard anyway. My truth is that regardless of whether or not I am well-received, I have to make myself top priority. Right now, I need to practice saying what I feel because it is a muscle that I have not trained well. Every thought won’t be beautifully laced together, and sometimes I’ll wish I hadn’t spoken at all. But it’s worth the discomfort to know that I am embracing my authenticity with the hope that I will be feeling more like myself again soon.